I miss Lucknow. I miss everything about it. Those long boring slow evenings where a cup of chai lasted hours with me. Those frantic calls from my dad alluring me with promises of hot pakoras and my husband with whiskey only to hop on and join for dinner. But most I miss is me. I was more me than I have ever been.
And if irony today wants to have a good laugh, for her I shall say it out loud. Almost a year from today I was dying to shift to Pune. My excitement knew no bounds when I got the news. I thought it was my life’s big break.
I know it is too soon to deduce. Too frequent a cycle of cribbing to break from negativity. But maybe today is one of those days when I feel drained. My energy has gone. My faith shaken. My own sense of understanding as to what I am doing, disappeared.
I want the comfort space of my house in Lucknow. A smile from my dad and shake of his head when he would say, ‘Kaha tha engineering mat kar.’ No it doesn’t matter if I did or did not. Its just how he refuses to believe my problems are attributes of my failures. They are always a situation hazard 🙂
I miss sitting across the table and typing against the back drop of my husband switching channels. With those intermittent arguments to not put any south indian flicks only to be met with another pelvic thrusting action from him 🙂 I miss the soft hum of my neighbour’s child who would often come and play with me in the evenings. How he would be scared of my husband and hold onto me as someone who could save him. I miss that.I miss this.
Yes I know life takes you where you are meant to be. I also know that the time it takes for you to reach that ‘meant to be’ is more painful than the rest of things. But maybe some days the euphoria of faith takes on that time well. And some days it doesn’t. Today is that day.
No it isn’t that I refuse to believe. But sometimes it feels good to know you are believing it all right.
But believe I will.
With great power comes great responsibility. With great responsibility comes great power.