contd from “Will you not judge me?”-Part 22
“I wondered where you would be, what would you be doing. Whether you are happy or not? Do you think about me? Have you forgotten me? There wasn’t a day I never thought about you,” Sangeeta spoke in a rush.
Radha remained quiet. She didn’t know whether the rant she heard was something she had been dying to hear or dreading to. This suddenly put her in some sort of an answerable situation. Like the words Sangeeta spoke were more like questions. They wanted to know whether Radha felt the same in these fourteen years.
“Sangeeta when I was twenty seven my sisters got married. My mother who was a widow always thought of me and me alone. So much so that in the end I had to leave house to find peace and in some way provide her too. But that didn’t stop the saga. I was still twenty seven, running away to a twenty eight but the age was important when I was not married. I met you, fresh as spring, wanting to move the world in a way she wishes to. I wanted to be you, here I was scared about being an old maid and you were celebrating your homosexuality,” Radha stopped to watch Sangeeta’s face. Hints of disappointment had started to flood it, Sangeeta had perhaps figured out that the answer was a negative. She had seen too much into Radha’s actions.
“And then when did I fall in love with you, I have no idea. In fact not uptil quite late in my life could I learn to accept it inside my heart. But what could I do? And I did not even have the strength back then to say it to myself out loud forget to you or more importantly the world. I watch Kavita and I get jealous now. She got to spend all these years with you and look now she has become an integral part of you. She makes me feel like an outsider in your life, I feel like screaming at her. But then what rights do I have to do that?”Radha had started to silently cry by now. The tears were fast rolling down her cheeks.
Sangeeta didn’t know what to say or do. She was bursting with things inside and yet on the exterior she remained frozen. Who was she kidding? She always loved Radha, in the six months time they spent together she knew that if she ever came close to loving someone it would be Radha. And if someone asked her why, she would never be able to answer it with anything concrete. Precise reason why she could never stop loving Radha. She always thought if she knew the reason she would destroy it and the love would end.
Sangeeta rose from her chair and went to stand beside Radha. She slowly bent down to level her face across Radha’s, she looked deep into Radha’s eyes and kissed her. There was nothing more she could decide that would be right at that moment.
Radha tried to jerk off from Sangeeta but Sangeeta retrained her and in the tussle that followed Sangeeta very quietly spoke, ” let go, just for tonight.”
* * *
It had been three days since they had returned from the trip. Kavita had gone on to be merry and happy, clueless about the events of that one night in resort. Arti too had of course no inkling. And the two people who did know what had happened remained aloof from each other, much less talk about it.
Sangeeta now knew it was true, the emotions she had observed in Radha fourteen years back were not a mirage. They existed and perhaps still do. Radha of course bore the larger brunt of the situation. She knew that no matter how far she has come from that age of twenty seven, things have not changed much. Today she might not be a daughter but she is most importantly now a mother.
* * *
“I bought these dresses yesterday and I think some of it might fit you,” Kavita’s voice rang out from the other room.
Sangeeta was preoccupied with some paperwork and though half her mind was somewhere else, duty still called out to her.
“Did you not listen?” Kavita walked in abruptly.
“Yes here I did, can’t you see I am working!” Sangeeta raised her volume slightly.
Kavita didn’t reply and went back in.
Sangeeta became uneasy at her outburst and decided to make up for it.
She rose from the table and went to fetch for Kavita. She found Kavita sitting on the window pane looking outside.
“I am sorry,” Sangeeta spoke softly.
Kavita turned around and smiled. She nodded and said, “Its my fault. Sometimes I think I become way to demanding as a person. I should give you space. I am sorry.”
Sangeeta only stared at her. She felt deep pangs of guilt inside her heart.
“Don’t think about all this. Get up and try on the dresses, I want to see them. I might even take one for my ownself,” Sangeeta replied.
“Not tonight, perhaps some other time,” Kavita replied, averting all forms of eye contact.
Sangeeta sighed, she could see that Kavita was a little disturbed and reluctant to express it as well.
“You know Kavita what is the best part about having you around?” Sangeeta asked sporting a strange look on her face.
Kavita didn’t respond, only looked on.
“You make me want to live more. Only to make you happy. I have never felt like that for someone,” Sangeeta spoke almost in a whisper.
Kavita was too choked with emotions to speak.
“A couple of days back I was imagining my life without you. I think I felt a part of me died only by thinking about it.You have in these years broken much of my defenses it seems,” Sangeeta continued to speak in a soft whisper.
to be contd. at “Please explain the equation once again”-Part 24
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