I was having this discussion a while back with friends over lunch and casually I said that “if someone gave me my five years back I would do things differently”. I was very serious about it. Over the past few months I have been a little off trackish. I have come to realise that I did a lot of mistakes only because I wanted to avoid doing mistakes. I never bet on my qualities rather I tried too hard to do things that I inside knew I wasn’t good at.
But then of course with age comes understanding and with understanding comes regrets.
I was thirteen when mum died and thereafter ensued a battle against my existence. I never had a moment of peace after that. A sister who needed me and a life which left little space for my own demands. I don’t remember a single time when I could have said that yes I am a teenager. I crib and cry I complain I demand. Even today funnily when I read teenage issues stories around such themes I feel slightly disoriented. I can’t seem to remember such a time.
Time passed and of course academics suffered. Not to the extent of going down the drains. But yes from top three to top ten. And in turn confidence took a big downslide. I stopped believing I could do it. I stopped telling myself I was capable of something. The word average got attached.
And then nothing changed- average student did averagely well in competitive exams joined a good enough company and now earns an average salary.
I was passionate about writing. But taking that path would have meant to go slow on life. To not become financially independent. To allow others to take charge of your life and so I always ran behind easier ways to prove myself- engineering was the sure shot way to get a job in this country.
But now at 26 and married I realise I only scaled the medium. I only allowed myself to go to places others had left footprints all over. And now I am sick of it, tired of being the same average human being. What is so special about me? When mum said I was destined for stars why did I leave that thought in between?
And perhaps I won’t get the whole five years back. Perhaps the rose that is broken will not join back but I know I have the petals intact. I know I have myself inside me.
Those five years like the broken rose will never return. But what will never go its the pieces of it. I know engineering was a safer option but then today that degree gives me confidence to experiment. It removes all thoughts of “where bread and butter?” But yes I agree if today I could go back I would not do this. I would have bet on my writing and done something in that direction….
Though written as part of Write Tribe but honestly its something I have been wanting to write for long. The broken petals cue somewhere gave me the strength to rant…..
http://sarabbit.openphoto.net/gallery/ – photo credits