Can I be honest? Every time I read Vidya’s blog I get inspired to write more about my mother. And I often begin to write too but something somewhere snaps and I leave them as drafts.
I miss her. I really do. I often cannot bring myself to speak about it, it pains so much.
For me she never left. Every day in the past thirteen years I imagine I will wake up from a dream and realise she is there, at the door waiting for me to return from school. But it often takes me moments to snap out of this.
And today being christmas this loss is hitting me worst.
Every year my christmas holidays would be spent creating decorations, inviting friends and of course being happy. She would be an integral part of each of these activities. I would use fevicol and paste decorations on the house walls. I now imagine how weird it would look to have christmas decorations up on the wall throughout the year.
But not for her, her kids formed more important a part of life than those lifeless walls.
I miss being the person who drew decorations and stuck them on the walls without a care.
I miss you.
And I realise it is actually one and the same thing, missing you and that person I was.
That part of me died with you.
2014 is my year of acceptance. I have started to come to terms with this fact that you are not there, physically. I cry more for you than I used to before. I miss you more too. I believe my first step to moving on has begun.
In process either I will let go of that child too or discover it all over again. Only time can tell of course. They do say time is best healer, I have never quite agreed. But well perhaps I can do so now.
|The cutie in yellow is “shady cool”|
The real worth of the closeness you shared with a loved one is realised when they are really far.
Keep your loved ones close this Christmas