It’s been a long time since twenty two.
The year John Mayer wrote this song and released it for millions to hear, coincidentally I turned twenty two. And in an instant I felt this line to be mine.
With time running around like a wounded dog, desperate to hold onto linear motion, many things get sidetracked. For one, age becomes less of a number and more of a representation of a complex experienced era.
In the last one minute like a wounded dog I have re-read my post and added the adequate number of commas here and there to make some logical sense.
This is my problem. I find continuity more pleasing than logic. For me things blur. I can never differentiate what was real and what I thought inside my head to be. To be honest, many have accused me of exaggeration and blatant lies in conversations. But in my defense, they were real. Those stories made more sense than the ones that actually happened. And when I started to substitute them in my head forever, I cannot say.
Again what I wanted to write was that twenty two was a desperate age. Notice how many times I have used this word. And if you have read my previous post,
then hello loyal reader! you would notice that the word has come up more number of times. Because this is what I have become. Desperate. Not unhappy. But desperate.
Wait, I was talking about twenty two. Yes twenty two. Desperate twenty two.
I was twenty two and jobless. I mean it was two oh oh nine. The year of
desperation recession. And I did have a job. One that no one had ever heard of. Software engineer with Infosys. *surprise*
Well I didn’t want to continue it. I thought
or rather fooled myself that I am more than this. I mean, more than the hundreds of software employees the country had seen. I wanted to be a mechanical engineer. And more than that I wanted to be a female mechanical engineer. Hence in the year of desperation recession, I passed on an offer of employment. Amid-st thousands of cries and words of advice.
Rain came soon and with it a job in India’s arguably top automobile company.
Now I am
twenty seven twenty six and again desperate. Why? Because I am happy. I am okay in the times that I have. Enjoying work, life and marriage. Hence this is insane. This is not me. I want to be a desperate twenty two again. One who knew what she wanted with life and didn’t have it. The chase, I have lost that.
I need another drill. Another rain of cries and advice. I want to feel
alive desperate again.
If you are still with me then I wish to tell you one last bit, I keep striking out words to look cool. That’s it. This I wrote so that I can never lie about my logic behind it.
P.S Are you desperate right not?
26 feels so young 😀
The post made me smile as many times you have mentioned twenty two in this 😀
I will be twenty two coming april and somehow I can already feel the desperateness creeping in 😛
And I love the striked out words more than the non-striked ones 😉
Lovely post, I love your style of writing .. *count me in as one of your loyal readers from now onwards* 😀
18-22-30 …great milestones of life 😀
He He the desperate 22!! And 26 is definitely young :). I am sure there are the desperate 30’s to look forward too as well 😀 ..
Ah! Finally honesty that isn’t afraid to feel uncomfortable. I think desperate is a good place to be because it means you are feeling compelled to do something about things soon. It means that change is coming.
“This is my problem. I find continuity more pleasing than logic. For me things blur. I can never differentiate what was real and what I thought inside my head to be. To be honest, many have accused me of exaggeration and blatant lies in conversations. But in my defense, they were real. Those stories made more sense than the ones that actually happened. And when I started to substitute them in my head forever, I cannot say.”
I can relate to this so much. I can’t remember the exact words used by someone when I am repeating it. And so I get tagged as liar. Arre baba, I learnt when I was in 6th that ‘bhasha woh madhyam hai jisse hum ek doosre ko apne vichaar vyakt jar sakte hain’. Also, I was always taught not to learn by-heart. Use your own versions. Never knew taking all that seriously would make me a liar. 🙁
Cute little post that was Richa. 🙂
I enjoyed your post! I prefer to think of “desperate” as “sense of urgency”. This keeps me focused on my BIG goals – instead of just being complacent each day! I also like the striked out words!!!
At 22 I have been jobless. But happily into social works. At 23 I was employed but hated the job. Now at 25, I love my job, yet hate it cos now it feels so monotonous. Yes! I can understand that drill you seek, as I’m going through the same. Now I’m blabbering! Better stop before it becomes worse. 😀
Our needs and desires do change…we certainly hit those milestones and think, hey, what’ve I missed.
I sometimes wish time didn’t have to fly so fast. As they say, long days but short years. But on the other hand, I certainly don’t want to go back to those early twenties.
I just wish that I had given more thought to what I wanted to be when I grow up..Not liking the Engineer part one bit!
I always believe in not counting the age but keep doing something with every moment (usually that philosophy happens when u cross 35 😉 )
I dont want to go back to 22 or 32 or any of the earlier ages. Love the present and the want to savor every moment of it! Age has got to do with this kind of mental frame?! I think so… 😉
Richa that is such an amazing post. I didn’t feel like stopping to read in the middle. Held me hooked to it… Yes how I wish to be 22 again…
I started working at 22 .. but I think I have now more zeal and am more desperate… running a race against time. I haven’t even travelled the world yet… gosh!!