It’s been a long time since twenty two.

The year John Mayer wrote this song and released it for millions to hear, coincidentally I turned twenty two. And in an instant I felt this line to be mine.

With time running around like a wounded dog, desperate to hold onto linear motion, many things get sidetracked. For one, age becomes less of a number and more of a representation of a complex experienced era.

In the last one minute like a wounded dog I have re-read my post and added the adequate number of commas here and there to make some logical sense.

This is my problem. I find continuity more pleasing than logic.  For me things blur. I can never differentiate what was real and what I thought inside my head to be. To be honest, many have accused me of exaggeration and blatant lies in conversations. But in my defense, they were real. Those stories made more sense than the ones that actually happened. And when I started to substitute them in my head forever, I cannot say.

Again what I wanted to write was that twenty two was a desperate age. Notice how many times I have used this word. And if you have read my previous post, then hello loyal reader! you would notice that the word has come up more number of times. Because this is what I have become. Desperate. Not unhappy. But desperate.

Wait, I was talking about twenty two. Yes twenty two. Desperate twenty two.

I was twenty two and jobless. I mean it was two oh oh nine. The year of desperation recession. And I did have a job. One that no one had ever heard of. Software engineer with Infosys. *surprise*

Well I didn’t want to continue it. I thought or rather fooled myself  that I am more than this. I mean, more than the hundreds of software employees the country had seen. I wanted to be a mechanical engineer. And more than that I wanted to be a female mechanical engineer. Hence in the year of desperation recession, I passed on an offer of employment. Amid-st thousands of cries and words of advice.

Rain came soon and with it a job in India’s arguably top automobile company.

Now I am twenty seven twenty six and again desperate. Why? Because I am happy. I am okay in the times that I have. Enjoying work, life and marriage. Hence this is insane. This is not me. I want to be a desperate twenty two again. One who knew what she wanted with life and didn’t have it. The chase, I have lost that.

I need another drill. Another rain of cries and advice. I want to feel alive desperate again.

If you are still with me then I wish to tell you one last bit, I keep striking out words to look cool. That’s it. This I wrote so that I can never lie about my logic behind it.


P.S Are you desperate right not? 

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