I take immense pride in the fact that I am extremely articulate. There can be brief moments of pause or silence while I am taking things in but mostly I know what to speak and at what time. It is this need to spell out all that was there in my mind that propelled me toward writing.
And then suddenly the written word started making more sense than the spoken one. Precisely because spoken words necessarily require a two way communication. People play all sorts of tricks in such a situation. They twist words, they resort to subtle hits and most importantly they push you off track.
I experienced it a lot while growing up. Given I eventually stopped smiling or laughing and for a long time even speaking, writing was one window that allowed me space. To breathe, to be me.
Naturally when I took to blogging, that wasn’t exactly a ‘one way street’ but still the scope of discussion more normal and decently paced.
Last few months this blog has found nothing. No word, no share, nothing.
It is because I am suddenly feeling that extreme presence of someone’s stalking eye or judgemental mind on my writing. Off late. Yes a lot of it is self-concocted (as is everything else in life) but what stands out is my own self-critical eye.
I re-read drafts, back space paragraph breaks to ensure continuity and above all- not publish.
A bunch of people online, family offline have been though relentlessly after me to write. Which I do. And then push it out on the blog. Which I don’t.
Then I hardly blog the regular ways– I am not a travel blogger or a book blogger. Nor do I own extremely regular views on women issues. How can I, who has always found herself marginalised by many because of her need to call out hypocritical shots, now get back to being herself? How can I, who relentlessly motivates others to blog, discover her own mojo in the online space?
Sometime back I got verified on Twitter, an act I decided to play down. I got scared. Twitter has been my haven since 2009. My space to scream, shout and do whatever the hell I like. As is the case for most who love this medium, it was an escape from the roving eye of friends and family. And now- verified.
The blue verified badge on Twitter lets people know that an account of public interest is authentic- As per Twitter
Forget family or friends, now this profile has taken a public stance.
I started planning my exit route. I began searching alternate names for an alternate profile. Claim back my anonymity. And to my surprise to every person that I shared this idea, went out of their way to dissuade me. Telling me my voice lends credibility to their thoughts.
Someone recently said, you give courage to the rest of us to speak. You are killing silence of complicity.
But as my friend Karan Johar would say- But I don’t want to be iconic anywhere. I want to live my life.
Of course this was a free write.